i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
