glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
