Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
