I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
