u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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