The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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