I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
