hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Never underestimate the power of titties
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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