think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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