Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
