they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
