what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
