waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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