she looked like the before picture.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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