I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
How external is "for external use only"?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
