um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
