I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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