Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize