good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
