yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
