TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
