I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
