so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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