Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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