Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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