Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Someone shattered a urinal.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
