Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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