Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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