haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
