Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
