When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
