So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
