That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
