I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
