that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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