I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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