I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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