Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
