If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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