Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
