I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
