Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
