why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
It was confusing and full of hummus
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
