Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
