well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
