Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
