Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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