I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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