Where is the hickey?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
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