I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Can you bring me the toilet please
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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