Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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