im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
