So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize