i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
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