you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
