May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
