Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
That accounts for only three of the penises
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
