You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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