what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
